Do You Feel Sometimes .... like your emotional reactions can be too hard for you? Like your emotions overwhelm you, you can't breathe and everything falls down. No matter what you do and how important your tasks might be at this particular moment you just dive into experiencing emotions that don't let you think about anything else but....
Today I want to share with You, how we can control emotional reactions without suppressing them and most importantly why they appear in the first place.
Here is how it happened to me.
On one regular day without any reasonable explanation, I started to feel it and tears were falling from my eyes out of nowhere. My partner (who is also my husband) forgot to tell me the page I was waiting to be on the website was ready for a while. Well, he claimed that he told me once. But I didn’t ask for the details. So he decided not to mention that for this page to be really ready I need to fill it.
Before he had a chance to see my message and say that he was sorry, I already was crying in the middle of my office (crying calmly, no drama). I wasn't supposed to, tear just fell down. My make up would suffer, I thought. Great.
It admires me how our emotional reactions always come before any reasonable thought. Before we can grip hold of a rope, we already fall into a steep of emotions, pain, resentment, silent scream that comes from the middle of the chest. Why is it happening?! We wonder.
Let’s see what emotional reactions are, why they appear and how we can control them.
1. Have you watched the movie “Catch me if you can?”
Well, our emotional reaction is exactly like the main character (no so sexy as DiCaprio though). They looove when we can see and feel them, but never can unmask them. Almost… but not quite yet.
They play a dangerous game as at any moment a small, tiny mistake can be made and we will see them in flashlight and finally detect. Or… they can risk even more and win the power to completely rule one’s life.
2. There are several reasons for emotional reactions.
They show up when some situation, no matter how small or big, “prove" the particular idea about the world you have. The more feelings and stress you have had about that idea, the stronger emotional reaction is.
For me, it all started with my parents’ call. They had an argument while we were taking and I just suddenly felt tired. I felt tired because this relationship used to hit me so hard. We live far and don’t communicate often. As much I love, respect appreciate my mom and dad I should admit their marriage isn’t just a mess. It’s a disaster. When I was a kid I struggled because of it. Now I don’t. But at that moment I felt something.
I was trying to pretend that it didn't worry me at all. I believed it didn’t. And it probably was true at some level. But as we grow, have bigger goals and dreams we often come back to old emotions as we need to uncover and release a new level that will let us move to a better reality.
So that was a moment for me.
2. Look Your Fears In the Eyes
Don't pretend you don't feel this discomfort. The only way to transform the upcoming feeling is to understand it.
I needed to look my fears in the eyes.
I sat down in a meditation and asked myself: what exactly do I feel?
I concentrated on a pressure I experienced in the center of my chest and went into this feeling. I talked with myself:
“I am scared. I am terribly scared. Why…? I am afraid that my relationship will be the same. I am afraid to be disappointed as my mom is. I am afraid to be left alone without love only a woman can give to a man as my dad was. I am afraid to be judged in my own house. I am afraid not to have anywhere to go. I am afraid to believe that I devoted myself to a relationship when I didn’t. I am afraid to take the coldest revenge a woman can - indifference. I am scared… scared….scared” At this moment I cried already, but when I let myself understand more about my pain, I felt better.
All right. Little relief. What is next?
3. Identify the roots
Because I was paying attention to my emotional reaction in a first place, I didn’t pretend like that feeling didn’t mean anything. So when I was crying because of a conversation with my husband the next day, I was able to calmly realize where the roots were BEFORE I got into the fight and blamed him for everything.
The reason that childhood stories are so powerful is that for a child his mom and dad represent ALL men and women of the world. So the patterns subconsciousness makes are VERY powerful. What our mind recorded about mother and father, their relationship and attitudes we subconsciously perceive to be true about all men and women. This is how our brain wired. It takes lots of effort and mindful work to rewrite these patterns and make ourselves believe there are different men or women.
That's why I was so scared. Not because my parents' situation frightens me so much, I realized a long time ago, the way they live their life isn’t my business. But because deep inside I didn’t believe that I can have a different story. That my marriage can be a happy one.
That’s why even a very small misunderstanding with my husband that day provoked such a big reaction.
4. How to control?
When you figured out the reason it becomes easier.
Don’t think that control means that you won’t feel anything or won't want to cry. This is totally ok and necessary to let your emotions out.
The control means that you won’t let your emotions make any situation worse, destroy relationships or put you into fights and irritation.
Don’t be embarrassed by your emotions. Go in it, feel it, try to understand what is deeper. Sometimes the only way to do it is to experience the pain, let it be and guide you. But after that take the power back as fast as you can and don’t let your emotions act.
5. Feel them, but don’t act on them.
This is my credo, my combination of respect to my sensitivity and good sense.
If you realized that you don’t believe in something you want or you are afraid, think about how you would behave differently in a situation that upsets you. Think about Solutions. Give your mind different pattern, better idea, model of what is possible and how.
You will need to repeat it over and over again, As our subconsciousness is a stubborn one. Why would it believe your first attempt, if it was recording something different for years?! Prove it, dream, see it, feel it. Make your point. YOU ARE the one who should rule your mind.
You have the power.
When I caught my emotional reaction I took a deep breath (let’s take one together right now), imagined my parents and said:
“Thank you so much for showing me all this. Thank you. I appreciate, I am grateful for lessons you gave, even if they are negative. It made stronger. But I want to believe that better is possible, I trust my heart, I believe in a better for myself…”
I repeated it for a while and felt better. I didn’t need to suppress my emotions and pretend that I didn't have them. But I stopped myself when I needed to and didn’t went on a carousel of blaming and unnecessary arguments. ( It actually took me lots of effort not to say ALL I think about the men (or ever thought) before my husband had a chance to read my message and reply:)
Now I have a question to you. I would love to know how often do you notice you react emotionally not because of the actual situation, but because of something else...?
Shine Your Light And Remember Everything You Worry About Can be Easily Solved,
Love and Light,