Relationship with oneself is probably the most important connection we will ever have. The reason is simple: no matter what happens you stay with you. Although it is clear, sometimes this connection is the hardest to maintain. You will be here anyway, let's go and win the approval of other people.
The tricky part: We can't build a strong bond with others until we have one with ourselves. People around only reflect thing you don't love or approve of yourself.
It might feel like they are judging you, it means only one thing: You judge yourself precisely for that.
One of my clients, Julianna, was struggling as she felt rejected, deeply hurt everytime she discussed work with her partner. She loved him, but the issue was so painful, she didn't know if she wanted to stay with him.
When we started to uncover her own relationship with work, it appeared she not just didn't approve of herself but criticized herself harshly all the time! Julianna was trying to take better care of herself as she felt she had to, but deep inside it gave her so much pressure she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
- Taking things easy almost killed me, - she claimed when I saw her, - I feel so down, I hate myself.
It was surprising as I never heard anything like this before.
- How will it make you feel if you go back to where you were before?
- Worse. I know my body can't handle it, not the amount of work, but the lifestyle, - she sobbed, - I think my partner doesn't respect me because I work less.
- Breathe deeply, - we took a breath, - will you respect him less if he was going through a similar period in his life?
- No, but...
- Imagine for a second, you didn't hate yourself, detach from all thing going on, focus on love in your hear, feel it expanding. Close your eyes, put your hand on your chest. Take three deep breathes, - I was slowly guiding Juli into a meditation.
Her body relaxed a little.
- Feel your heart expanding, - I repeated, - you're loved, safe and protected. You are so loved you can not even imagine and all the Universe tries to do is to open you to this love. Open your heart, receive support from your Soul, Higher Self, Guides.
Julianna nodded, smiling.
- In moments like this, when you fill yourself with love, will you feel like your partner disrespects you because you don't do enough? - I asked
- No.. I don't think so. And it doesn't matter, because I respect myself, - She opened her eyes, - I get it! I respect myself... When I do, his words can't hurt me...
Projection - one of my favorite words that are responsible for thousands of broken hearts, for thousands of shattered lives.
Juli had a deep shame around work, she felt like nothing she did was enough, criticized, blamed herself all the time, but didn't realize she was doing it. She was pushing back uncomfortable feeling, explaining them as anything, but the truth.
Shame and negative assumptions we have are tricky players. They gamble a lot. And win most of the time. They sit on the throne in the deep layers of our subconscious mind, making us believe our pain is about anything and anyone, but them.
Your pain isn't You. It's not about you. It is about negative assumptions, beliefs you have. But they are not you either.
A great spiritual book "The Four Agreements" (if you haven't read it, it's a diamond for the Soul) says one of the laws for authentic, happy living is: Don't take things personally.
It's one of the most important truths I keep repeating to myself to stay sane in the hardest moments. Learn from what life throws at you, grow, change, evolve. But don't take it personally. (Why we take things personally and how to stop)
Why not look at this law not just when it comes to other people, but to your own mind? Your thoughts aren't you. They are only visitors, flashes of experiences we had. They are not you.
When we revealed Juli's shame, insecurity around work and achievements, she realized why this topic was so complicated and painful in her relationships. She projected her self-judgment to other people and got very hurt when it seemed they doubt her (most of the time it just seemed that way)
We worked on building her confidence around work, overcoming fears, and doubts. Her relationships with her partner improved. But even if it hadn't, she would be able to let it go, some people are our teacher for a period of time and as soon as the lesson is learned it is easier to let them go.
That's just one example of why it is so important to have a good, stable relationship with yourself.
You eliminate projection, you stop believing it is about you, you stop judging yourself and others, you stay true to your heart, you learn, you grow, you allow change to bring you where you want to be. And whatever life throws at you, you are going to be all right. Because you have yourself. Because you're strong. Because your heart is the light of the World.
When you know your pain points, it is easier to prevent others from pushing them. If they do, you can detach before getting into a fight.
For Juli, the pain point was everything around how much she does or doesn't do at work. Before she was reacting every time her partner was trying to give her any advice. When she realized her triggers, she stopped feeling resentment and offense. It didn't happen at once, but step by step she managed her reactions and let go of resentment. She was more gentle with herself when it came to conversations around work, every time she felt hurt, she reminded herself that no one tries to judge her, but herself. It helped Juli to stop the crazy circle of thoughts and feel more confident and calm.
Triggers come not just to connection with others, but to what you say to yourself. Notice when you are criticizing yourself around the same thing over and over again. (5 things that make you critize yourself). In moments like this, you destroy your connection with yourself, you go low in your thoughts and emotions. Identify the triggers to stop the circle. What are you afraid most of all? What information can you consume to give your brain the opposite, positive assumptions?
One of my biggest triggers is money. I have to be extremely careful when I repeat anxious thoughts as in minutes it gets me low or god forbid I talk with someone in this state. Not good. It takes practice to learn to catch yourself, but it is worth it.
Your Soul holds all the wisdom you need. You always know best what you need.
There is a whole section in S.P.I.R.I.T. formula course that helps you to build a genuine, strong connection with your Soul.
Just do your best. Trust. When we cling to the outcome we think we want, we don't let our full power in. When you genuinely believe in yourself, it doesn't matter what the outcome is, because you're doing your best, you're being your best, and it's the most important thing.
Do you have any practices you do to connect with yourself? Do you think it's essential to maintain this relationship?